Dark Habits
the nun is a type of person who diminishes themself in service of the world and other people in particular, and theres something alluring about the idea of the type of person who would give their life to walk a holy sort of path. the concept evokes ideas of masochism and degradation, a woman who obscures her self becomes a secret everyone is curious about. while many "nun-sploitation" movies (and pornos) choose to explore this idea through what i would consider a trite and unimaginative sexual angle, Dark Habits has higher emotional aspirations. while i definitely feel that there is still a certain level of over-reliance on shocking imagery here, i really appreciate what i can feel them reaching for past the whole "haha woah what if nuns did drugs and were edgy messed up people" moments. in a few shining scenes the heart of these ideas comes through very very powerfully.
christianity is a rebirth cult, every day we beg for forgiveness and struggle to become ourselves. or wait, maybe we struggle to become someone else? diminish our selves, become christ? but christ suffered and so do we. there is romance in that and salvation in that. but our cycles can taste very delicious, we can cling to our struggles and our narratives and our explanations. "I Struggle with This and I Need Forgiveness, I Need to be Saved". Yes, theoretically we may spend our lives improving and working towards letting go of our personal favored sins, but how often do we find ourselves needing to learn the same lessons over and over anyway? to truly change, to die and become new, can feel nearly impossible. cycles of self flagellation, trying, failing, repenting, there can be stagnation here! God can't do all the work now can he? but neither can we. there is tension in letting go, and holding on and trying. so easily we may lose years to trying to find the correct balance, all the while we remain ourselves. we cannot truly let go, our tendencies and our struggles shine through no matter how we attempt to cover them up. even the high of a short term victory may be erased by a relapse. and anyway isnt that suffering deserved? its penance... its christlike...
and yet, change is constant and it comes for us whether we are ready or not. often our grasping for control and power over our selves and our idealized rebirth may even make it More difficult to embrace the rebirth that we are Actually given. there is a lot of pain in caring so much and trying so hard and still not feeling able to tread water. but God works only through beautiful imperfection, humanity and the world. there is comfort to be found in accepting that striving for total annihilation of the self and its sin and grasping grasping grasping is yet another polarized and human way of running from the contradictory truth of perfect love. Change will find us where we are, and we will be with him there, in perfect love :)
(11-04-2025)